Feelings of not-enough-ness
Today I’ve been terrible to myself
I have been feeling a bit under the weather for a few weeks. Usually, I feel a little bit “less than” when I’m sick. That’s normal, I think. I’ve been sick on-and-off since last weekend AND had tonsilitis for three weeks back in November.
It’s starting to feel like I’m just not good enough at taking care of myself. Even though I have been taking it extremely easy and have been spending a lot more time than usual on sleeping, resting and looking after myself and my health. It’s transitioned into a feeling of overall inadequacy, and today I allowed the feeling of not being good enough to take over completely.
It’s like the fact that my body can get sick and my long to-do is never really a good match. I start feeling so behind and frustrated that all my plans for achieving greatness are going down the drain. Subconsciously I began to look for evidence that I’m nobody, not knowledgeable enough and not living up to my full potential. The entire day today I’ve been allowing thoughts of why I’m not enough to enter my mind and stay there.
An example from today is that I went to the gym during a short break between clients to work out, finished my session in 45 minutes, quickly showered, grabbed a vegan post-workout shake to go and left to go train my next client. I arrived at her gym, ready for our session and shortly after another trainer arrived.
The other trainer was petite and fit, her hair was perfectly straightened, she had a nice tan and discrete but carefully done make up.
I was so stuck in my head that I allowed my inner critic to use her to completely tear apart my self-esteem. I started comparing myself to her petite frame that I’ll never be able to achieve. I compared her perfectly done hair to mine that I had quickly put in a bun and her natural tan and makeup to my pale, bare face.
And it didn’t stop there… Suddenly I got so self-conscious and started to doubt everything I was doing. The other trainer took her client through a completely different workout than the one I had planned for my client, which made me doubt myself. I have no idea what her clients’ goals are or anything else about her for that matter. But still, I couldn’t help the thoughts from overwhelming me: Was my exercise selection and instruction good enough? Was my warm-up thorough enough or should I have spent more time on certain moves? And so on.
If I stop for a moment and look at it objectively, I know that my fear of not being (good) enough is something I’m making up in my mind for whatever reason. Today, I’m sure it’s because I feel like I’ve been sick and low on energy for months and I start to wonder wat’s wrong with me. Not as in I think something’s seriously wrong with my health but more like an overall feeling of: “Why am I like this?!”
I also know that if I allow the feeling to take over for a longer period, it is going to hold me back. So I’m determined to shake it off.
One of my favorite quotes on my journey to self-love has been this:
“We can’t hate ourselves into a version of ourselves we can love.”
- You can’t hate your way into loving yourself.
- The journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step.
- Focus on progress rather than perfection. Remember how far you’ve come.