BEGINNING OF THE DECADE vs. END OF THE DECADE (and everything in between)

I also did a shorter version of this blog over on my Instagram, but I thought this decade deserved it’s own very last blog post.

I’ve been blogging here on this blog almost throughout the whole decade, and it’s been such a gift to share many parts of my journey with you! There have been some heavy things happening which I never talked much about when I was going through them, but now that I’m out on the other side, I’ve vowed to become more transparent about my relationship with food in 2020.

But first, I want to share a few pictures & stories from around the beginning of last decade (2008) until the end of this decade (2019)

2008

Up until this picture was taken, I had fought to lose 8 kilos before going on vacation. I would do 2 hours of cardio daily and eat 800 calories. This picture was taken on the last day of a 1-week vacation, and in that time I’d all the weight back and more. That was the beginning of almost 10 years of yo-yo-dieting, mental battles and unsustainable attempts to “become healthy and fit”

Yes, that’s a bruise on my leg. Got it from falling down from a bar on a drunken night in Sunny Beach. 2008.

2015

In the second (7 years later) I’m the leanest I’ve ever been. It was right before her 3rd IFBB Bikini Fitness competition and for the first time, I presented a package worthy of the stage. I had overcome so many mental battles to be there. And I had come very far, but I wasn’t done fighting. I knew something had to be done but I wasn’t yet ready.

68 kg. Days before competing at Loaded Cup 2015.

2017

In this picture, I’ve been “all in” for almost 6 months. My weight is around 87 kilos. 19 kilos more than in that picture from 2015. It was a challenging time. I knew I had to go through this phase to get better but seeing myself gain weight because I would eat whatever I wanted and not restrict or “make up for it” after was mentally very challenging. Mostly because of the way I knew other people perceived me at that time. Being a “fitness girl” for so long, and relying on my fit looks for my social media and acquiring clients had left me paralyzed by fear that I would lose everything if I didn’t look the part. But my mind and body needed a break from the repetitive cycle over overeating and restricting, that had been a part of me since before that picture was taken back in 2008.

Around 87 kg. in 2017

2019

Finally, my body and mind have found balance. I no longer binge eat or restrict. I’m more in tune with her body and more confident in myself than I’ve ever been. I love myself and know my own worth. Before I was afraid people wouldn’t like me if I wasn’t skinny enough or didn’t do what they wanted. I would do everything for a person who wouldn’t do anything for me. That meant a lot of people walked all over me. Now, I can genuinely say that I’m not afraid to walk alone if that’s what it takes. I know the right people who are supposed to be in my life will come and stay, without me having to prove to them that I’m worthy.

Around 79 kg. in 2019.

I’ve learned that the first step to any lasting change is finding self-love. Diet and exercise are tools to help you get there, but the main thing is working on how you feel about yourself on the inside. That will translate to how you allow yourself or others to treat you. And you need that foundation of self-love, before anything else.

I believe there’s always more work to be done. And I can’t wait to continue working on myself in 2020.

What lessons did you learn in this decade? Let me know in the comments below!